| Geez..... |
[03 Feb 2008|09:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
She's still beautiful... Still so beautiful it makes me cry. I miss her. I miss her like the stars might miss the sky if it just suddenly.. Suddenly left them. Perfection is within all of us. It is an opinion of others. You might find one person perfect, while others find them very much not. To me, Cynthia was perfect. So god damned perfect. Why? Why did... DO... Why do I love her so much? why Can I not make her some fucking passing thought. I look at her picture and pull back, with some sharp, cutting string... Pull those tears till I swallow them. Never let them go. never let them fall again.
And now. Now, then one girl... woman.. The one woman I care about.. Her eyes are not for me.. Not even turned in my direction. I want to tell her she is beautiful.. That I am so very fond of her.. And that I wish she felt the same towards me. But instead.. the worst. I have to watch others, those she truly loves, step all over her... Make her cry and scream and... And all those things I want to take away... I hate it.. I hate it so much that it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Why me? As far as love and caring is concerned, why me? I mean, my dumb ass is attracted to my own sex. I hate that.. I hate that a lot. I can tell that I like women a lot more by how selective my tastes are. I find zack, brian, so many guys attractive.. I like them all. I want to date them all... But.. women.. I am never attracted to more than one. For the longest I didn't care about any other woman... Only Cynthia.. Only her... Her... And now... Look at me.. Pathetic. I don't know what to do... Except do nothing at all. Shitty, huh? I hate it. Because it doesn't matter at all that I care about her the way I do. At least, if it does, I don't know it. I want to give her flowers, ya know? Stuff that should be done for her. But no. I have to be a good little girl... I need to grow a pair.. But not in this situation. I'd get my ass beat.
Si it's hopeless, I am just whinning about something I can't change. Don't mind me.. I'm just stupid. Wish i could fix myself, but nothing is really broken. Save my timing.. Which is always bad. Damn it, Damn it, Damn it....
V
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| What the hell?? |
[03 Feb 2008|03:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
Driving down the road... At first I couldn't describe it. like... one emotion after the next.. Sadness, lack of anything at all.. thoughts... lots and lots of thoughts. So strange.. and then a fear. Some kind of fear that swept me like... Like an ocean.. And stuck with me. Like a hand staying pressed against my throat.. chest... a giant hand pressed against my body. Something terrible.. Breathing against me. And I still do not know what it is. I felt that I needed to run into mona's house... Away... Something solid between me and that thing. I don't know.. but I hope it doesn't come back. I hope it runs away... Damn it... I hate feeling all of it... Everything..
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| Fucking scrooge... Fucking lack of enjoyment.. Ruin my x-mas... Won't even make yours worth it... |
[25 Dec 2007|06:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crushed |
] |
So hi. I had a great morning. Got wonderful things. Beautiful things.. good books to read. Yay! Call Brian... He doesn't feel good, woke up late, doesn't want to go to me-mar's and we had to dash off, so no time to get here and come with to Mama wink's house. Fine. I was just sad he felt sick... Whatever. Had a good time at mama wink's. It was great! Went to me-mar's, had a blast! Cousin rhett was awesome as always, so much fun. Played Dirty Santa and everyone laughed and enjoyed themselves! Then mom and I played Christmas trivia with some of the family. That was cool..
So I get home, excited to spend time with Brian tonight. I call him and ask him what he would like to do. Would he like to come over, me go over there, or he come get me. He sounds all hum drum.. "I dunno.. What are we gonna do if you come over?"
I tell him I don't want to make the decision. It was up to him. I know I sounded mean, but come on. He has been a bit of a scrooge all days building up to Christmas. Anyway, at the end of the conversation I say, "So we aren't doing anything tonight?"
"I guess not.."
And I hung up, prayed that tears wouldn't fall, got pissed, and now I am going to call Mona and talk to her, then call Opie, probubly, and see if he wants to come over. This is BS. I know I probubly don't make his life great, but I wanted to try and do something with him... on his birthday.. on Christmas... on what is supposed to be a joyous holiday... Fuck me.. How stupid am I?
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| Merry Christmas! |
[24 Dec 2007|09:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 excited |
] |
Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas eve and Christmas day!
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| ... Once again alone |
[01 Nov 2007|07:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sick |
] |
It's 7:45 on a thursday night and once again I am left alone.. Parents dont care that I am sick.. Brian is asleep... ANd I hate my life.... So fun... So yea, dad is practicing his music and I am sad... Because I can't have anyone who wants to stay up with me and make me feel better... Hell, Brian left me maybe an hour after we got home to play command and conquor... *shrugs* No need in making me feel better, anyone.. Please... Don't worry about me... I will just work my ass off, be sick and feverish all day, and then end it alone, sick, and sad. thanks....
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| Why move so fucking fast? |
[24 Oct 2007|06:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
18, 19, 20... eighteen is the universal age which makes you an adult.. Big fucking whoop. Who cares? I don't I have come to realize that a lot of the people I know are, for all the world, turning into tight asses. Yea, you have to work, you have to go to school.. Alright.. Maybe you should suck it up and go out.. have a good time.. realize that you only live once and being just a bit tired is worth a night of fun. I don't think I can deal with this much more.. Feeling like my life is scheduled and that the most fun I will have is sitting at home playing video games on my off night... fuck that shit.. I am 18.. And if I have to do away with all the stiffs in my life to have one night's worth of fun, by god I will...
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| Fuck |
[03 Oct 2007|09:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
So tired. I feel so tired. I want to quit my job, but who would I let down? Everyone. Sucks doesn't it? I don't feel like I am doing anything with my life. I really just want to enjoy things, but I can't... Because I have to work, have to be grown up... I see my fiancee less and less and he lives in the same fucking house as me... I screw up at work everyday... I just.. Hate it.. I hate everything. I am worried everyday that something is going to go wrong or something.. But no one is there to comfort me... They are all sleeping.. After a hard day's work... how convenient... Nice to know when I come home and hide in the covers, I am going to be by my lonesome when I start to cry... When I can't take things anymore.. yay.. To my room I go. To be lonely.. Again... *sighs* Have fun everyone.
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| A whisper once hidden |
[03 Oct 2007|09:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
I feel one sided.. And when all the clothes are off I am to blame, but never you.. and for this, i feel the only one participating in the dirty. Why must it always seem this way? And fuck talking about it, right? That's how it feels. You cannot tell me words! Form words, damn you! Communicate! God, sometimes I just want to scream until my lungs bleed. Maybe you would say something then.. You would try a little harder then... Or not at all, like you seem to do now... Fine... I will completely cut off any and all of my effort... Fuck this. Do it yourself. Enjoy yourself. If this is how it is going to be.
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| Activity |
[01 Sep 2007|03:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
I feel one sided.. And when all the clothes are off I am to blame, but never you.. and for this, i feel the only one participating in the dirty. Why must it always seem this way? And fuck talking about it, right? That's how it feels. You cannot tell me words! Form words, damn you! Communicate! God, sometimes I just want to scream until my lungs bleed. Maybe you would say something then.. You would try a little harder then... Or not at all, like you seem to do now... Fine... I will completely cut off any and all of my effort... Fuck this. Do it yourself. Enjoy yourself. If this is how it is going to be.
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| Pieces of Clay |
[27 Aug 2007|10:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
There's a heart inside every wondering vessel
And it beats like a drum for the gods
Even though we all loose sight of this
We still listen to our hearts before we go to sleep
sometimes, though, our hearts are not enough
So we look to strangers for a new sound
For the core of life is to feel
to listen...
You know, I was thinking today about Clay. yea, weird I know.. I was thinking of how odd it was that everyone thought he was so cool, but when you really think about it... He is a womanizer. The girls he hurts only go back to him, which confuses me. Clay is like a brother to me.. Sometimes, anyway... When he decides that I exist and needs me for something. I just.. I wonder why people try so hard for him when all he does is cause them pain.. He abuses them emotionally, and they simply will not turn from him. I suppose that is how I was with my friends, but I learned. These people just.. Lie down and let him have his way. *shakes head* Whomever he hurts deserves it, I suppose. If they cannot detach themselves enough to realize they are going to be treated badly. Maybe he is has changed. Wouldn't that be nice? Yea... No... After what he did to me, I really don't think he has changed at all... have fun everyone.
V
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| Still Missing Those False People |
[24 Aug 2007|01:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
I've lost everything, but the sky is still blue.. I wish more than anything that it would rain; if for no other reason than to hide my tears. Sometimes I look into the mirror and think I'll see red stains from bloody rivers that have flowed from eyes drained of that innocent, clear, saltly liquid.
It is a mystery to me why everyone has simply vanished. Shadows I used to reach for have ran screaming from the sun that is my being.. Is it me, or is it that blasted curse that, in the end, I loose everyone... I wish they would take that part of my heart I saved for them and crush it into dust.. Old and dry... Tired.. and throw it into the wind. it is more welcome there anyway. Some vision in my mind... My heart in my hands, pleading to be cold, frigid.. A diamond away from the world.
The only love I have left is the words I used to write which now gather dust in the corners of my mind.. Slowly fading, pleading that I remember.. But I have lost the will to love the one thing that has always been with me. I feel like some hollow shell.. But see, my weakness is depending on the love others are so selfish with. Funny isn't it? How I am so willing to love, and they are so willing to pretend?
Sometimes I am afraid to dream, for fear I will see the death of everyone I have know.. But this is not what I fear.. I fear that I will give a damn. My brother contacting me to share a secret.. To scare me and make me worry, and then never speak to me again? All that I have tried to console.. To rock to sleep and promise well being.. To keep that promise.. They are but washed out memories now.
I look at myself and all I see is need.. And often I wonder why? Why do I want so much fucking contact with people who will not try to remember that I exist? Because I will love them... No matter what, if they need me, they can call.. My heart will try as hard as it fucking can to protect them. I hate them.. I confront them and they simply look to me as if I were some attatched stranger.. some burden they'd gained from past ill doings. At least, when they look at me, whether it be good or bad they acknowledge that I am alive and I breathe...
Luckily I am blessed with a man so happy that I am walking and talking that he will fuck me and tell me how beautiful I am.. But more than that... He remembers every day that I am a person, and someone that the world cannot do without. I wanted so badly for someone, anyone to see this.. And when I had given up, he sifted through the shadows to save me from a silent, lonesome demise.
I know this all sounds selfish.. but when do I speak here or anywhere anymore? I still worry about everyone... The photogragher of some distant dream I once had. I want to cry for her, but somehow I do not think that is appropriate. Our friendship seemed to die out, but I still want to watch out for her.. To make sure she can still take those dazzling pictures of things that no one else can see...
The Little one that once told me I was so important.. She found another to depend on, and so I became obsolete. You might ask why I feel I must be needed.. I say to you this: They would have me no other way. I do hope that if the shadows ever overwhelm them, and they can no longer see the sun, the moon, the sky.. They will reach out to me for that last moment hand to pick them up so that they might walk away again.
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| blarg.. |
[20 Aug 2007|02:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
Hey everyone..
First, I would like to say that I am sorry to Breanna. I have wanted to get in touch with you, but everytime I have had the chance, I have been doing something else and to be honest with you, I'd rather just sit alone and talk to you so I can focus. We usually have pretty important conversations.
Brittni might be working at EB. Yay. Now she can ignore me to my face. whee. I tried to hang out with her.. I've tried inviting her places and whatever.. But I get no trying from her side of the world. so fuck it. I don't care any god damn more. I'll hang out with Mona when I can and Arthur maybe.. But I am so fucking tired of trying. Katie Gilliam got mad because on myspace I thanked mona for trying to keep in touch. see. The only difference there is that Katie gets on my fucking nerves like nothing else. So yea.. Tired of Brittni's bull shit. I miss her so much, but if she won't put forth the effort, fine. Don't care. I will see her at work, go home, and think nothing of it. Like Arthur said.. people grow apart.. I just thought Brittni might try a little harder.
Brian and I are still enjoying each other. At least, I think we are. I read his LJ not too long ago and I worried that his not knowing what to do when he is alone thing is because of my need to have him around so much. *Shrugs* Probubly is. I am truly sorry for that my dearest.
I am stille enjoying my job. Brian's newly wed friend Kenton told him about a web site which Brian told me about where you take tests, get points, and then put it towards new Xbox stuff. Totally cool, totally easy, and I like it. Love my Xbox. =^_^= I will always be thankful to Breanna and Marcus for getting it for me. It was awesome.
Anyway, there isn't much to update. The new 3rd key at EB talks too god damn much, my bossman is still pretty cool, and my feet always hurt. Love you all (Breanna, Marcus, Brian.. Whoever else cares that I exist)
Viv
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| Revealation.. |
[06 Aug 2007|12:19am] |
When I look back now on everything I've done, I realize that I have always been in the wrong.. People have told me again and again that I've been the alright one.. That things were not my fault.. And even though I did not believe them, there was, in the back of my mind, that false sense of security. I spoke with Allison Jones today, and I know now how terrible a person I was.. I've wronged so many.. And the horrible thing is, I don't really... Fell horrible.. I just feel terribly.. terribly empty.. Much better than I thought I was going to feel. which probubly means I am even worse than I originally thought I was. Take care, folks..
V
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| An 8th Harry Potter... ? |
[25 Jul 2007|12:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cranky |
] |
I definately think the harry potter series has been run into the ground. It's old news.. I think JK Rowlings should be satisfied to end the series knowing she has created, and I quote opie, nothing short of a religion. It's done, but no.. We have to kick the dead magical hoarse.. Wtf..? well, I guess since you fans wanted it so bad, there ya go.. have fun drooling over a finished story.. Oh, btw.. You do realize that you will want a 9th one as well? Greedy buggers..
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| Hey everyone |
[21 Jul 2007|06:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
A small post. I just wanted to say that I think I have a better outlook on Jesus, for the most part, now that I have gotten through a good portion of Lamb: The Gospels as told by Biff, Christ's childhood pal. It's a good book, with a humorous outlook on jesus. Biff is definately cooler, but I feel like Jesus was more human now.. *shrugs* I still won't worship him, but I do like him better.
I really just want to promote the book. for those who are interested in laughing a lot. It's a funny book. Anyway, take care, everyone, and if you want to hang out; call. Much love to you!
Viv
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| So.. An update... for those who give a damn. |
[20 Jul 2007|08:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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thoughtful |
] |
I am feeling kind of off lately.. I don't know why.. I can't say.. I know with the strange dreams I've been having, that something is off... *shrugs* I haven't had work for 3 days, and I feel like I am already on the chopping block. Don't know why. Brian says I am being paranoid. Maybe he's right... but maybe he isn't.
For those of you who own a sexbox 360 and likes strange, quirky japanese games with no true storyline and a rediculous purpose, Beautiful katamari is coming out... *thinks* In october I do believe. *nods* yea, sounds right.
I wish I could find a High priestess or something so I could continue my wiccan teachings. I would love to learn more, but I don't really have anyone to learn from. I don't want to bother Rachel, but other than that, I have no one. Bill Blackwood? Have no idea where he is... Anyway, main thing is, I want to continue with those lessons.
I got Volume one of Anita Blake Guilty Pleasures the comic.. omg.. Jean Claude is beautiful.. I don't think they did him justice.. but I really don't think anyone could do him justice.. he is a wonderous asthetic gift from the gods.. I love him... 0_o Love him so much. lol. Can't wait for V2. Exciting.
Anyway, I can't really think of anything else to say. I hate WoW, I wish someone would blow it up... All I have seen come from that game is neglect of the human beings, the real people, around the players... *shrugs* Take care everyone.
V
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| It is better to have loved.. Maybe |
[04 Jul 2007|12:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
I wonder often if there are other people marveling at my beauty.. If they think I am beautiful at all, or if they think to themselves, "Just one kiss.. I wonder what just one kiss with her would be like..". It's fascinating to think that others have those thoughts about you.. To know that someone could be dying to kiss you, but holding back because of this and that. *hmm*
I for one believe that if you love someone, anyone, no matter what, you should let them know.. Even if you simply find them attractive.. It's one of those life brightening things. Yea, they might go 'ew!' or some bull shit like that, but more often than not, even when they do that to your face.. They think about it later.. And they smile. They smile because someone loves them or cares about them in a more personal way... It's a beautiful, risky thing really.
Anyway, I just thought I would through that out there..
PS: Broken hearted.. memories are irrepressable ghosts...
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| Le Sigh |
[27 Jun 2007|03:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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blank |
] |
today the parents, Brian and I are going out to the movies. Yay. lol. I think it will be fun... I feel kind of crappy because once again i think I made Brian feel like he has to go. I'm pretty stupid sometimes. On the bright side, he will have a game to play on my xbox. Yay again.
After the movie we are taking my xbox to Brian's house and getting demo's and games to play. Sounds fun. whee. Lol. I hope we find some good ones. Some cute ones too. I like cute games. I don't know if we will get to hang out with Hannah tonight, but if not, she will either see this, or I will call her tomorrow and see if she wants to hang. I have to work till 2, but after that, I am free. *shrugs*
Anyway, not much of an update other than that. Take care all.
Sincerely,
V
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| hey all |
[18 Jun 2007|11:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 complacent |
] |
So yeah... Nothing too exciting. Going to hang out with Colin today (and possibly Breanna if she will answer her txt messages). I have to work tonight from 6-close. I haven't heard from Britt other than to get my schedule. Go figure.. Brian should be home this sunday or monday for good. I am very excited about that. He is going to try and get an apartment in about a month and a half. That's pretty cool too. =^^=. So all is fairly well. For those who will care, my work schedule is:
Monday - 6-close
Thursday - 5-close
Friday - 10-2
Sunday - (I think) 1-5
there ya go. I will be free any time before that. Which reminds me, I have to call people and tell them about the party. Love you all!
Sincerely,
Viv
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| Coming Home! |
[16 Jun 2007|01:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bouncy |
] |
Hey all.
So, Brian and I are getting ready to head to Alabama. This week has been pretty awesome. Some fights, sure, but I knew it was going to happen. For a while I thought they might end Brian and I,but we tred on. *Shrugs* How life goes.
I will certainly miss Zach. It makes me sad to see him the last time. I don't know when I may see him again. Maybe he will come visit Brian and I. That would be fun.
Anyway, I can't wait to see Hannah and Christian again, as well as Brittni if she isn't too busy with AJ. Today and tomarrow will be kind of busy, but I will try and see everyone as soon as possible. Thanks to those who missed me... I love you guys and expect to see you at my 18th birthday thing (More details later).
Love,
V
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